These condom tips might seem basic, but they are important! Also, even if some of these might be old news, it never hurts to brush up on sexual safety. Here
FIND THE RIGHT FIT
Show me any penis, and I’ll show you a brand that will fit. There’s no excuse being too big, short, thick, or whatever. There is always something out there that will fit you properly.
PUT IT ON THE RIGHT WAY
- After you’ve opened it the right way, more on that later, put the condom on the tip of your fingers and test to make sure you’re rolling it the right way.
- Pinch the tip (to leave room for ejaculate)
- Add a couple of drops of lube inside (extra pleasure).
- Place it on the tip and use one hand to hold it while the other hand rolls it down to the base.
- When you’re done, hold the base while pulling out.
CHECK THE EXPIRARY DATE
Old condoms lose their strength and stretch. This could lead to breakage (which is, duh, bad). They will last around five years or less if there is spermicide.
CHECK THE PACKAGE
Make sure there are no tears or punctures in any of the packaging (the box or the cover). This could come from tampering or being stored incorrectly (e.g. don’t keep them with your keys!)
STORE THEM RIGHT
Not in your wallet and not in the glove compartment. Store them in a cool, dry place away from any sharp objects and direct sunlight.
DON’T BUY ON HOLIDAY
If you’re going for some big holiday or vacation, make sure you stock up before you leave. Packs in the hotel or other such places will have a much higher markup. On another similar note, don’t buy them on online sites that come from individual sellers (like Ebay or Etsy). Stick to trusted sellers.
CAREFUL OPENING IT
You’ve probably seen someone peel open the cover with their teeth (I’ve been guilty of that, especially when my lands are covered in lube), or you/your partner has impressively long nails. Either way, be careful opening things that you don’t damage what’s inside.
DON’T DOUBLE UP
For some reason, the myth of “putting on two condoms for double the safety” is still floating around. Please don’t do this! In fact, you’re putting your and your partner at higher risk doing this because the extra friction can cause tearing. The same goes for using a male AND female condom. One is fine. You can increase your sex safety by using extra birth control as well as being honest about your sexual heath.
USE THE RIGHT LUBE
Some lubes don’t work with condoms – specifically oil-based ones. The ingredients can cause the material to breakdown. Just stick with water-based or even silicone lube.
KNOW WHEN TO STOP
All of a sudden things feel different, or even better? Please pull out and check that things aren’t broken.
CHANGE IT OUT
I’ve seen different numbers sounding this piece of advice, but the general idea is to change out your protection for a new one every 15 to 30 minutes. This is because, again, friction is pleasurable but it’s not your friend when it comes to avoiding rips or tears. This also ties into the next tip…
A NEW ONE PER INTERCOURSE
If you’ve ejaculated, taken a break, and then want another round, make sure to use a new one!
DON’T SLEEP WITH IT ON
Post coital bliss can pull us into snuggles … and/or snoring. However, before you say hello to the Sandman, take it off. Also, don’t fall asleep “inside” your partner. That being said…
Yeah, it might be tempting to toss it on the floor or wherever – I’ve had a partner that did that…ew. But it’s not just avoiding pregnancy that proper disposal becomes important. There are some STIs that can come from just skin contact. Wrap it in a tissue or tie off the end and put it inside the wrapper, then toss it in the garbage. Do NOT flush them down the toilet!
BE WARY OF QUALITY
It goes without saying, but some condoms are better than others – even comparing cheap to cheap or high-end to high-end. However, regardless of price, there are some things you should watch out for, specifically the special stamp – Condoms must be labeled with a quality assurance mark to be considered safe.
- ISO 4074 – (International Organization for Standardization) quality and standard levels for male latex condoms
- ISO 13485 – products have met the essential standards of a medical II device
- European CE mark – means the product is safe for European distribution and meets the essential requirements for a medical device.
- BSI kite mark – this is the British version of the CE mark
NOW, IT’S SAF*ER SEX
Remember, birth control and other sex aids are not 100%. And since there is the chance of any one of them failing, make sure to have multiple options ready and at your disposal.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Any crazy condom stories you want to share? Leave a comment!
Have a safe and sexy day,
Article credit to : Lovense.com
Dear SexBecause We have heard Racism is Dead but at Family Dinner This Happened…
All holiday dinners are not created equal. One of the more difficult topics that has plagued society deal with racism, sexism and personal worth. When elements of faith and self righteousness are added into the mix the ability to discuss the topics openly with empathy is quickly lost in environment of hurt feelings and protective based anger. The video may have become too blurry to post but Charlie and Arienne of SexBecause.com know a great deal about the topic both personally and professionally and express their opinions for a subscriber who survived an emotionally charged family dinner. Discussing concepts all families should adopt when it comes to empathy and defensiveness. It’s time to have an honest discussion. Click to subscribe and feel free to leave your opinions as well.
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Dos and don’ts for happy polyamorous relationships
Pragmatic advice on things likely to help your relationships work
Guidelines to consider when managing polyamorous relationships
Polyamory adds a significant layer of complexity atop the already complex job of managing a romantic relationship. Building good poly relationships doesn’t happen by accident; in addition to the normal challenges anyone in a traditional relationship will face, polyamory offers a few challenges of its own.
This is a simple guide to some of the “dos and don’ts” of polyamorous relationships. Of course, you’ll need the relationship skills that go along with any intimate interpersonal relationship as well!
Don’t coerce your relationships into a predefined shape; let them be what they are
Sometimes, people—particularly people who are already part of an established couple—decide what kind of relationship they want, what form that relationship will take, and then try to fit a person into that space.
People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Trying to force a person in a box—for example, trying to say, “You can only date both of us and you have to develop a relationship with both of us that’s exactly the same and grows in exactly the same way”—rarely works. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are. Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts! Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific.
Don’t keep score
Often, we may be tempted to try to turn multiple relationships into a tallying game—“You slept with her two nights in a row, now you need to sleep with me two nights in a row!” “You took him to dinner three times, but only took me to dinner once!”
Fairness and compassion are worthwhile goals in any relationship, but as anyone who’s ever been a child knows, sometimes things don’t work exactly the way we expect them to. “Danny, do the dishes!” “But I did the dishes last night, it’s my sister’s turn tonight!” “Yes, but your sister is sick in bed tonight.” “It’s not FAIR!”
Fairness operates on a global level, not a local level; there may be times when one partner, for whatever reason, is going through a crisis or is facing problems or for whatever reason needs more support and attention. As long as that support is available to all the people in the relationship when they need it, it’s not a question of keeping score.
And while we’re on the subject…
Do understand that your needs have nothing directly to do with your partner’s other partner
It’s usually more helpful to ask “Am I getting what I need?” rather than “Am I getting the same things as my partner’s other partner?” Not everyone has the same needs, and happiness is found more easily in having your needs met than in having the same things as the people around you. In fact, I think the goal of a relationship should be in seeking to have your relationship needs met in a way that’s fulfilling, not in achieving parity with everyone else.
Don’t say “You need to stop giving her X;” say “I need Y” instead. Consider the things you need, rather than what you think your partner’s other partner is getting. Being happy is not a competition! Going back to the idea of keeping score, rather than saying “You took him to dinner three times and only took me to dinner once,” it’s often more productive to say “I would like you to take me to dinner more often.”
And that leads us nicely to:
Do ask for what you need
It may seem obvious, but if you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect to get the things you need. If you have a need that you feel is not being met by your partner, say so. Don’t assume that your partner knows; don’t start with the idea that if your partner “really” loved you, your partner would just be able to tell without you saying anything; and don’t assume that if your partner really loved you, your partner would already know what you need. Don’t wait for your partner to infer your needs. When you discover that your needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it!
Your needs are important, and even if you believe they are irrational, they are still a legitimate part of who you are. Of course, you can’t automatically assume that you will have all your needs met at all times by everyone around you, but it’s far easier for your partner to meet a need he knows about than a need he doesn’t…
Don’t let problems sit
Addressing problems is never comfortable. Approaching a person who is behaving in a way that causes you pain or who isn’t meeting your needs carries emotional risk. Sometimes, it’s a lot more comfortable just to let small problems slide, at least until they become big problems.
This is true in any relationship, whether polyamorous or not. As tempting as it is to let things slide, though, the fact is that small problems or irritations can become magnified out of proportion when they aren’t addressed, and this is dangerous for any relationship.
Get in the habit of being open about problems—even small ones. Listen to yourself and to your emotions; learn to be aware when something is bothering you, and develop the tools to bring these things out into the open before they have a chance to grow.
Oh, and a few more things about problems…
Don’t assume that polyamory will solve problems in your relationship
“Relationship Broken, Add More People” almost never works.
Polyamory can be a very potent and rewarding way to improve a good relationship—but as sure as night follows day, it will expose the problems in a relationship, as well. It’s definitely not a good way to mend a damaged relationship.
Bringing someone into an existing relationship that has problems is likely to exacerbate those problems. What’s more, it’s unfair to the person coming in. The greater the problems in the existing relationship, the more unstable the position of the person joining that relationship, and the more likely that person will bear the brunt of those problems.
As a corrolary:
Do pay attention to the state of a prospective partner’s existing relationships
If you are considering joining a person who is already in a relationship, take a good look at that relationship. Is it in good shape? Do the people involved have good problem-solving skills? How good is their communication? If the relationship has problems, how will they affect you? Will you be the person who suddenly becomes expendable if the problems in the relationship become too great?
You can’t look into a crystal ball and see the future of any relationship, and any relationship is going to involve emotional risk. But if your partner can’t manage the problems in his or her existing relationship, your partner may not be able to manage any problems in yours—and it very well might be that the problems in the existing relationship will boomerang onto you. Be careful, and be aware of what you’re going in to.
Sometimes, people who have problems in a relationship will seek to fix those problems by adding new partners. As a general rule, this approach rarely works. Be careful of a partner who seems to want to be with you because he is escaping things in his other relationships that he is dissatisfied with.
Of course, no relationship is ever perfect. Any relationship can and will have problems from time to time, so…
Don’t take sides
There may be occasions where your partners have a disagreement. When this happens, you may or may not be able to help; sometimes, people must work out their disagreements on their own, and you can’t always solve problems between people. Regardless of how much you may or may not be able to help, it’s important not to take sides; a situation where one person feels ganged up on is destructive for everybody.
This does not mean that you shouldn’t offer your honest opinion, if it’s asked for. But offering your opinion is not the same as taking sides—and when you do offer your input, you should strive to do so in a way that’s sensitive to everyone.
Do strive to be flexible
This is another tactic that works for any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous. However, polyamorous relationships can be more complex than monogamous relationships, if for no other reason that there are more people involved, and polyamorous relationships benefit greatly when the people in them seek to be as flexible as possible, particularly with regard to solving problems.
Many of the problems in polyamorous relationships stem from resource management; a person with two lovers can still be in only one place at a time, and there will be times when that person’s attention seems to be divided. Flexibility and creativity can sometimes go a long way toward solving these problems. For example, if a person has two lovers, each of whom wants to sleep with him five nights a week, it may be that the most flexible solution involves sleeping with both of them for three nights out of the week. A willingness to be flexible in the manner in which a problem is solved is an asset in any relationship.
Don’t assume the problem is polyamory
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: Not all the problems in a polyamorous relationship are the result of polyamory! If you’re in a non-traditional relationship of any sort, it’s easy to point to the fact that your relationship doesn’t look like the norm and say, “See? This is why we’re having problems!” But it’s not always true. Even traditional monogamous relationships can have problems with resource allocation, after all (a person who’s spending all his time at work is away from his partner just as surely as a person who’s spending time with his other partner). And even issues that may seem at first glance to be directly related to polyamory—jealousy, for instance—might still exist even in a monogamous relationship.
As tempting as it might be to point to the structure of the relationship whenever there’s a problem and say, “This is why we’re having trouble,” it’s often more helpful to address each problem on its own, and seek to understand where it comes from, before making assumptions that it’s all the fault of polyamory.
Do pay attention to the way you relate to your partner’s partners
Love is a funny thing. Sometimes, your partner may love someone you yourself would not really choose to associate with. In times like that, it’s helpful to recognize that you are in a relationship with that person, even though your relationship may be indirect. That person is part of your lover’s life, and therefore, by extension, part of yours.
Be conscious of that fact. Even if your relationship with your partner’s partner is ambivalent, it’s still a relationship. Like all relationships, it will do better if you pay attention to it, acknowledge it, and are conscious of it.
That doesn’t mean you have to be best friends, or lovers, or anything else, with your partner’s partner. It does mean that your partner’s partner is not a nonentity; this is a person who is significant to someone you love, and your life will be easier if that relationship is on as good a footing as may be possible.
And speaking of your partner’s other partners…
Don’t make assumptions about your relationship with your partner’s other partners
Sometimes, people may assume that anyone who is interested in a sexual relationship with their partner is also interested in a sexual relationship with them, or that a prospective partner must be equally interested in everyone involved in an existing relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with leaving yourself open to a mutual relationship, and in fact it’s nice when it works out. But you can’t always count on it. It’s hard enough to find someone who is compatible with you, and it’s harder still to find someone who is compatible with both you and your partner.
When relationships form, they don’t always follow the same course every time. It’s often not realistic to think that a relationship between you and another person and your partner and that person will develop at the same speed, or along the same path, or reach the same intensity.
Relationships work best when you let them grow at their own pace and don’t try to force them along a predetermined path.
Do take responsibility for your actions
If there’s any rule that’s as absolute as the law of gravity, it’s the law of unintended consequence. Your actions do and always will have consequences, even if they were not what you intended; your life is shaped by the decisions you make and the things you do. And these decisions touch your partners, and your partners’ partners, sometimes in ways you didn’t anticipate.
I have met many people who seem to feel disempowered in their lives. This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives. It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly.
Taking responsibility for the consequences—even the unintended consequences—of your actions is sometimes unpleasant. Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work. The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you.
Don’t assume polyamory makes you more enlightened
For that matter, don’t assume monogamy is better, either.
If you believe that you are better, more enlightened, or more wise because of your preferred relationship model, you may end up behaving carelessly. Don’t start from the assumption that you’re better than other people, or that their problems aren’t your own. Your relationship model doesn’t make you better than anyone else, and doesn’t discharge your need to treat the people around you well.
Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s other relationships
When your lover takes another lover, particularly in the first rush of a new relationship, it’s sometimes easy to make assumptions about the direction that relationship will take, or what they’re doing or experiencing together—“he must be better in bed than I am,” “she is going to want to replace me,” “they have more fun without me,” “he’s going to want to do more with her than with me,” and so forth.
None of this is necessarily true. Keeping a realistic assessment of your partner’s other relationships, keeping informed and in the loop about what’s going on in your partner’s life, and seeking to bring any concerns you may have about their relationship up before those concerns become problems can all help to make you feel more comfortable.
And speaking of which…
Don’t vilify, demonize, or build up your partner’s other partners
Your partner’s partner is not (or should not be) your enemy, a demon, or an angel. Your partner’s partner is a human being, just like you, with quirks and flaws and all the things that go along with being human.
Don’t turn your partner’s partner into a monster, or imagine that your partner’s partner is better looking, better in bed, funnier, smarter, or more generally worthwhile than you. The first path leads to hostility and anger; your partner’s partner has feelings, just like you do, and they deserve to be treated with respect. The second path leads to insecurity, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy.
Tearing down your partner’s partner won’t make anyone any happier. Neither will tearing yourself down. If you can see your partner’s partner clearly and objectively, as a human being, and strive to treat that person gently and with respect, everyone—including you—will be happier for it.
Don’t make assumptions on behalf of other people
It can sometimes be tempting to speak for the other people in your relationship, or to make assumptions on their behalf.
Sometimes, this happens out of simple miscalculation. Sometimes, it’s a subconscious desire to avoid taking responsibility for something (it can be easier to say “Well, I’d love to date you, but my other partner feels uncomfortable” rather than “I feel uncomfortable about dating you but I don’t want to talk about why”). Sometimes, it can be wishful thinking (“Oh, sure, my other partner is going to be fine with what we’re doing, no problem!”).
No matter the reason, any time you find yourself speaking for, or making assumptions on behalf of, somebody else…look out.
Don’t look to your relationships to offer you validation
It seems to me as though our society often looks to relationships to define a person’s worth. People who are single are sometimes seen as being less valid as human beings than people who are married, and so on.
If you look to your relationship to tell you who you are, or to define your worth, then your sense of self will always be tied up in the form of your relationship.
You have power over your life. Your worth depends on you, not on your partner and not on your relationship. You have an identity that exists independent of your relationship, and your relationship does not describe your value. These ideas empower you to seek happiness on your terms, but more important than that, they give you resiliency that can help you over the inevitable rough patches that any relationship is likely to face.
Value and worth that come from within you rather than from things outside yourself, such as your partner or your relationship, can never be taken away from you. There is a difference between a person who wants to be in a relationship and a person who needs to be in that relationship. Quite frankly, I’d rather be involved with a person who wants to be with me than a person who needs to be with me; the people who want to be with me are there because of the value I add to their lives, not because they have no other choice!
If your sense of value comes from yourself, it frees you from dependence on the people around you. If your partner’s sense of value comes from within himself, it frees you from the responsibility of telling your partner who he is.
Don’t seek to give your partner happiness at the expense of your own
A relationship should serve the needs of all the people in it—including you. Furthermore, it’s a mistake to think that you can “make” another person happy, particularly by sacrificing your own happiness. That road leads to codependency.
If your lover cares about you, then sacrificing your happiness will have an effect on your lover. Making yourself miserable for the sake of another doesn’t serve anyone’s needs.
Do know your limits, your needs, and the things that bring you happiness
Know thyself. This is perhaps the most important single thing you can do in any relationship. Knowing what you want and need in order to be happy is an excellent first step in being happy.
Just as importantly, it’s an excellent first step in not being unhappy. If you do not know where your absolute limits—the boundaries that, if crossed, will ensure that you cannot be happy—are, then you’re likely to discover them only when those boundaries have been crossed…which means you’ll be unhappy.
Forget the romantic myth that your only concern should be for the happiness of your partner; every person in a relationship deserves to be happy, including you.
If you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect to get the things you need; and if you don’t know what you need, you can’t ask for the things you need. You can more easily be happy if you understand what you need and where your limits are, and you can more easily build a healthy relationship if you are happy.
Doing this successfully relies on absolute, unflinching honesty with yourself. Polyamory relies on honesty, and this requires self-honesty. Examine the things you need closely; are you secretly hoping for things you aren’t saying? Are you secretly trying to push your relationship into a direction it doesn’t seem to want to go? What are you expecting to get from your relationships? Are those things realistic?
Don’t be afraid of change
Relationships are living, breathing, dynamic things; like all living things, they change over time. No healthy relationship is going to stay the same forever.
As long as you are willing to commit to the idea of changing in ways that include your partners, and you are willing to work with your partners as your life changes, you’ll be okay.
Do know what place you have to offer someone
When you bring a new partner into an existing relationship, it’s easy to see how that person might be intimidated, especially if your existing relationship has a long history behind it. It’s important that you know what it is you have to offer that new partner, and seek to provide a safe and secure space for that relationship to grow.
Bondage is something everyone should experience.
Too often, things like bondage or use of sex toys or whatever are all obscured by a perception that they’re made for people who REALLY are into sex as a lifestyle. Not so.
But even if it were so, what’s so bad about enjoying sex as a larger part of your existence? Is it really so bad? There’s no admission cost, you don’t have to find parking, you don’t need to plan ahead. Sex as entertainment isn’t the worst fucking thing you could be doing with your time, now, is it? Beats the shit out of watching another Will & Grace rerun.
People get bored with sex. “The Missionary? Again?” With good reason. Sex can get repetitive if it’s the same position, same approach, every time. You wouldn’t eat a hamburger every day, now, would you? (Unless you’re that boring fuck in the States who’s eaten 20,000+ Big Macs. Jesus Christ – don’t get me started. But lemme know when he finally visits an oncologist.)
And this is why there are sex toys. This is why people try bondage, or public sex, or whatever. Now, you don’t have to get all gussied up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction in order to enjoy bondage. So, what do you need? Well, let’s start first with what you DON’T need.
- You don’t need to own a copy of The Ashley Book of Knots.
- You don’t need to be nurturing a passion for the Japanese art of Shibari.
- You don’t need to own a closet full of leather or gear.
- You don’t need to have any special equipment at all.
- You don’t need to own rope.
No rope? Gasp! Really?! Why, yes, Virginia, there is bondage without proper rope. How about neckties? Scarves? Nylons? Even that belt from your housecoat will do. It needs to be able to tie in a standard knot. That’s all you need.
So, here’s the shortlist of your requirements.
- You need something that can restrain your lover.
- You need creativity.
- You need trust.
- You need inventiveness.
- You need a sense of adventure.
- You need to want to enjoy yourself.
And five out of six things on that list ain’t gonna be bought at Paul’s House of Porn, all right?
Here’s the deal. Bondage is about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you up and do what they like to you, or vice versa. It’s imperative you talk about what isn’t going to happen. Don’t like pain? Agree to not go there. It’s pretty simple. You can get all fancy and lifestyle-ish and pick a “stop” word (a word that, whenever you use it during anything experimental in sex, signals that’s going too far, and stopping has to happen) but I find the premise pretty silly for anything less than full-on BDSM experimentation involving serious pain.
Me, I’m crazy, I favour the word “stop.” I mean, fuck, like it’s that complicated? “Hello, stop that, please.” When your lover says to stop, I don’t care what you’re doing, STOP, whether it’s in standard sex, or when your lover’s slung from the roof in stirrups. The more often you stop what they don’t like, whenever they ask you to, the more they’ll trust you in the future. Makes sense, huh?
Not respecting your partner’s boundaries in bondage means you’re breaking the number one rule. The belief in bondage/BDSM is that the person who’s all tied up is the one with all the power. Why? Because if they say stop, you absolutely must. According to anyone who’s played in the lifestyle, ignoring the submissive’s wishes is grounds for an ass-kicking.
Now, if you’re all gung-ho to tie someone up, but don’t want to be tied up yourself, I don’t think you deserve to do the tying, and I don’t care about this “But I’m a top!” bullshit. It is an act of trust. If you expect your lover to trust you, but you won’t trust them, then you might as well get a hammer, ‘cos that’s the first nail in your relationship’s coffin.
When it comes to bondage, I prefer doing the tying up, but I’d never deny my lover the experience of returning the favour, because that’s what good relationships involve.
Once you’ve had the talk and you’ve decided who’s being tied up first, it’s time to play. Personally, I prefer making an agreement to explore bondage in advance, because I think you need to be organized beforehand. There are, indeed, things you need in order to play with bondage Steff’s way.
My shopping list tends to include:
- Chocolate syrup
- Caramel syrup
- Massage oil
And whatever else gets you through the night, baby. No, you’re not making a fruit salad. You’re bringing food into the equation because a) they’re at your mercy and b) if you’re doing it right, they’ll be blindfolded for a while. The fruit is practical and sensual at the same time. When the bondage play begins, and they’re blindfolded, feeding them a mystery fruit will have to force them to turn their senses on. It’s a pleasure trigger. They’ll need to figure out what they’re eating, thus making them sensually more alert for when you begin playing. I’ll talk more about the food in the next posting.
First off, let’s talk setting. Do you have a headboard you can bind your lover to? No? Then visit your local hardware store. Get standard-issue drawer pulls and screw them in strategic locations. You could even put them on the side of the bed and the bottom, if you want a variety of positions in the night. This scenario runs you about $10 to do four mounts, depending on the price you’re paying for the drawer pulls. It’s practical, cheap, and you can move them around if you’ve chosen bad spots. These pulls pictured here are exactly the ones I’ve used on my bed. Two for $3, and they have plenty of room for getting rope underneath, and allow for a little wiggle room for my submissive (aka Guy). The alternative is bondage bedwear, but it’s such a hassle and it’s expensive. If you’re settling in for a long night of play, it could be useful, but it also might intimidate the shit out of the submissive.
Ah, you’re not ready yet, grasshopper. Now you need toys. If you want to shell out the big bucks on sex toys when you don’t already have them, feel free, but your house is filled with a million things that can trigger some really, really happy feelings in your lover.
Get creative. Go rummaging through your drawers. Make a stop in the kitchen. Find things you know will offer a variety of interesting sensations. Whether you’re lightly dragging the tines of a fresh-from-the-freezer ice-cold fork up in the inside of a lover’s leg, or teasing their privates with the bristles of a silicone pastry brush, you’ll be guaranteed some shivers.
Let me revisit the silicone pastry brush. Run, do not walk, to your local kitchen supply aisle and buy yourself an extra silicon pastry brush for the bedroom. Fuck feathers – the pastry brush is one of the most erotic feelings I’ve found. I sent shivers up my guy with it the other week. Trust me. Go get one, kids.
Buy a curtain tassel at the fabric store and tease your way around their body. Even a piece of paper being dragged up a naked body is amazing. Ice cubes rock, so make them in advance. Even one of those skin-scrubbing gloves for the shower can be pretty wild. It’s coarse, so it’s a change of pace from the soft and smooth things. Sandpaper. Anything works, provided you begin with light pressure and see what the reaction is.
If you don’t trust your ability to judge how something might feel, then do your rummaging half-naked and any time you find something that piques your curiosity, then simply close your eyes and try it on your inner thigh. If it works, great. If not, put it back.
If you plan on getting really sloppy with the syrup, and expect to have to clean your lover up a bit over course of time, you can grab a slow cooker or a rice cooker with a “keep warm” mode on it, put some water and some wash clothes in it, and keep it bedside for a clean, warm cloth to wipe them up with. Or you can save the filth and shower together later. Whatever, but there are options.
Lastly, what you need is a carrying tray. It does no good to have a lover about to be blindfolded if they can see what you’re going to use on them. They should be bound and blindfolded before you gather all your goods to bring bedside.
And that’s where we’ll stop for today. By the weekend I hope to post on how the actual act of bondage itself should unfold in its most basic terms, but you clearly have a couple ideas, I’m sure, of where this is headed. Any questions so far? Any tips on household products that have brought you bondage glee in the past?
Want more? Huh? Do ya, punk?
Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic Guidelines
Bondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, it’s for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, it’s just another fun game to play.
Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust – having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it – is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time ‘round. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.
In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as I’m able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.
As much as we’d like to think we’re all grown-up and it’s easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not we’re getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.
During bondage my style, it’s a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if it’s the last thing I do – that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison d’etre.
This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but that’s taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your lover’s body as a canvas or even as a test subject. “I wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.” If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn’t work, just go back to something you know you will. It’s not the end of the world. Try, try again.
So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?
- I know there’s a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can’t give a shit, too. I’m no sailor. I can’t do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.
- Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissive’s lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to what’s going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so he’s not as aware of what the next move is.
- Lighting doesn’t really matter, if they can’t see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better you’ll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.
- When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put ‘em in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when you’re starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so he’s not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.
- Misleading them is fun. I’ll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.
- If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I
- have more ability to move around.
- Crawling over them on the bed’s pretty much a suspense killer. What’s the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.
- When you’re making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesn’t work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if you’re working in a straight line, the body knows what’s coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.
- Multi-tasking is hot. If you’re standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they can’t see what’s coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be t
ricky, when you’re the doer, but as the receiver, it’s just an incredible mix of feelings.
- Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as you’re able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm — by oral? By fucking them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You’re writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I’m in control, I’m deciding.
- Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how they’re enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know you’re having fun. Tell them it’s getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then you’ll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Don’t talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.
- Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area they’ll be self-conscious about – and when you’re tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isn’t a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.
This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. It’s an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.
I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginner’s point of view, but really, it’s not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that it’s all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of what’s bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm.
Swinging isn’t just a pastime for the local park. It’s a global community of people who engage in sexual relations as a recreational or social activity — and it’s thriving more than you might think.
According to Daniel Stern, author of Swingland and a 10-year swinging veteran himself, there are an estimated 15 million swingers around the globe, and you’d be hard-pressed to figure out which of your family members or neighbors are secretly swinging at first glance. “They are teachers and police officers and lawyers and business people; it’s every walk of life,” Stern says. “I posit that everyone is one degree away from a swinger; they just don’t know it.”
Stern first looked into swinging when he was in his late 20s and perceived himself as terrible at sex. He decided to seek out sexual practice before landing in another relationship, so he perked up when he heard an acquaintance mention “The Lifestyle” at a party. “Upon hearing his description of this carnal fantasy-land, I thought, ‘I want to go to there,’” he explains. “However, locating The Lifestyle and accessing all of its fruits were two wholly different achievements.” For several months, Stern had to ingratiate himself to the swingers he met in order to prove that he wasn’t just another single male looking for a quickie. “Gut-wrenchingly horrendous single male behavior is all too well known among Lifestylers — pushy, rude and selfish among the most common descriptors,” he says. It took him a while, but after six months, he was in.
Once he was inside the swinging subculture, Stern was surprised by what he found. He explains that he had preconceived notions of swingers that weren’t exactly flattering or, apparently, accurate. “The major stereotypes are that swingers are a subculture of overly libidinous miscreants that want to [have sex with] anything with a pulse,” he says. What he found, however, was that swingers are just regular men and women who may be a little more kinky than the average person, and often a lot more tolerant. “I’ve found swingers to be the most accepting and caring lot I’ve come to know in this life,” Stern says. “It’s probably because we’re all outside society’s norm, so we understand.”
He also found that The Lifestyle comes with a social hierarchy that took him some time to figure out. According to Stern, the sexual ecosystem of the swinging subculture is ruled by couples. Single women, similarly, are like unicorns and have carte blanche. In a role reversal that is surprising to outsiders, it is the single men who tend to lack power in the swinging subculture, and are the most likely to only be tolerated.
Even though Stern enjoys The Lifestyle and boasts of its sexual and social benefits, he is quick to say that swinging is not for everyone. Since outing oneself as a member of an outcast subculture can carry serious mainstream social consequences, many swingers find that they have to maintain a double-life. “You’re essentially living two lives, and that can be beyond exhausting,” Stern says.
He also cautions people against trying The Lifestyle as a way to fix an aspect of their lives. For instance, Stern says that some people seem to view swinging as an answer to a paltry sex life, but viewing swinging as a quick way to get sex misses the point entirely. “The Lifestyle is about people looking to have sex with like-minded people,” he explains. “Anyone who forgets the people part of that equation will be blackballed faster than they can disrobe.” It’s also common for couples to try swinging as a last ditch effort to save their relationships. Doing so, however, will only accelerate the relationship’s demise since trust and communication are necessary to make it as a swinging couple.
So tell us — we would love to hear your experiences of what bought you into the lifestyle so comment below …
A Guide For Beginners, Because The Most Important Thing You Do Is Probably Not What You Think
BDSM means different things to different people. Some may be pretty sure they aren’t into it, while many of us can’t help but be really curious. But what do you need to know if you’re new to BDSM? Like open relationship, kink is a term that covers a variety of activities and forms of sexual expression.
“It is a catch-all word for sexual practices and interests that are outside the mainstream — from role play to dominance and submission, a vast array of fetishes, and sadism and masochism,” says Patricia Johnson, co-author of Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality. We’ll explore some of the terminology of the kink world in more depth a little later, but at the outset, it’s important to take note of this diversity because outsiders often think of kink in limited and perhaps somewhat sensational terms. You may already have certain fantasies that you want to explore. If that’s the case, you can do research online or consult one of the ever-growing number of BDSM/kink-centric books that are available, says Johnson. You can also take classes online at kinkacademy.com.
When starting to explore BDSM, remember that there’s no need to rush to create your own “Red Room of Pain” a la 50 Shades! “To begin, you might simply try being blindfolded and let your partner tickle you with a feather, or lightly stroke your skin with a whipper. If that turns you on, move towards slightly racier bondage play, like binding wrists with a silk tie or handcuffs, a massage candle being dripped on your skin, or exploring the sensation of playful spanking,” says sex expert and Booty Parlor founder Dana Myers.
If you really want to take your new venture into BDSM seriously, come up with safe words for your sexy session. Safe words should be used as a way to say let’s pause, or stop. This will allow you to feel safe and have some control during this new experience. “Just as Anastasia and Christian discussed her Hard and Soft Limits, you want communicate with your partner before you bring any BDSM into the bedroom. Discuss who’s going to play the dominant and submissive roles, and be clear about what you’re willing to try and what’s simply too far outside of your comfort zone. Having this talk will strengthen your communication, build intimacy, and create a strong sense of trust so that you can let go of your inhibitions and explore some kinkier sex play safely and comfortably in your relationship,” says Myers.
Here’s what else you need to know.
1. Avoid shiny object syndrome.
That is to say, go slow and take your time, says erotic coach and sex educator Dawn Serra. BDSM is a wide network of countless activities. “From spanking and bondage to Dominance, needle play, and beyond, it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole when you first begin exploring this new world. At first it can feel like you’re a 5-year-old let loose in a candy store. Many people who are brand new to BDSM immediately want to try all the things and end up over-indulging,” says Serra. Take it slow, go in knowing there will be endless temptations, and have fun in a smart way. 2. Consent, consent, and did we mention consent? If you don’t know the basics of consent, you MUST start there, says Serra. “All BDSM is based on this very important concept. Skipping this means you risk doing significant harm to others and to themselves. Oh Joy Sex Toy has a great infographic on consent,” says Serra. Just remember, consent must be enthusiastic, on-going, informed, and voluntary. Which is to say it’s a fully engaged, un-coerced, un-manipulated yes.
2. Have fun.
You are probably going to feel silly or awkward the first few times you try to tie a fancy knot or command someone to their knees. “You’re going to make mistakes. BDSM is all about having fun and exploring new parts of desire and fantasies,” says Serra. Keep it all in the spirit of adventure. Also remember that many BDSM activities are dangerous, so find a trusted educator (this is not necessarily the most popular, vocal, or charismatic person in your local BDSM community, either) and enlist their help, suggests Serra.
3. Determine your role
Remember that if you’re doing power play (Dominance and submission or Master and slave or Sadist and masochist), both of you have equal power when you negotiate the activity ahead of time, says Serra. “Everyone has an equal say as you decide on the framework for how things will unfold, especially in the beginning. As you get better at negotiating a scene, you’ll learn how to make it endlessly sexy and even an important part of your foreplay,” Serra says.
4. Safe words are critical
Some people like simple colors like red (stop immediately, no questions asked), yellow (I’m uncomfortable or reaching my limit or need to slow down), and green (keep going!). Other people like plain language — stop, I’m OK, etc. Just remember that any kind of “I’m unsure” or “I don’t know” in a scene is equivalent to a stop. Some people come up with really usual words for use in their scene, but just remember — if you are in a highly intense scene where it’s difficult to think or form words, simple is usually best, says Serra.
5. Know your boundaries
Just because you are doing BDSM in the bedroom doesn’t mean you need to give up control outside of the bedroom, says Cassie Fuller from Touch Of Flavor. “Some people are not interested in anything more than using BDSM as a way to spice up sex and that’s fine. In fact, most people don’t have a Master/slave style relationship and just like to have a little kinky sex. You and your partner should understand what the other is looking for and respect each other’s boundaries,” says Fuller.
6. Always be honest
Honesty is the most important aspect to BDSM. ”Your partner(s) need to know basic information about you such as past experiences, health concerns, emotional triggers, and turn-offs. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader and to instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. If the person that you are thinking about engaging in BDSM activities with doesn’t ask you these things, make sure you speak up and tell them,” says Fuller.