A Guide For Beginners, Because The Most Important Thing You Do Is Probably Not What You Think
BDSM means different things to different people. Some may be pretty sure they aren’t into it, while many of us can’t help but be really curious. But what do you need to know if you’re new to BDSM? Like open relationship, kink is a term that covers a variety of activities and forms of sexual expression.
“It is a catch-all word for sexual practices and interests that are outside the mainstream — from role play to dominance and submission, a vast array of fetishes, and sadism and masochism,” says Patricia Johnson, co-author of Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality. We’ll explore some of the terminology of the kink world in more depth a little later, but at the outset, it’s important to take note of this diversity because outsiders often think of kink in limited and perhaps somewhat sensational terms. You may already have certain fantasies that you want to explore. If that’s the case, you can do research online or consult one of the ever-growing number of BDSM/kink-centric books that are available, says Johnson. You can also take classes online at kinkacademy.com.
When starting to explore BDSM, remember that there’s no need to rush to create your own “Red Room of Pain” a la 50 Shades! “To begin, you might simply try being blindfolded and let your partner tickle you with a feather, or lightly stroke your skin with a whipper. If that turns you on, move towards slightly racier bondage play, like binding wrists with a silk tie or handcuffs, a massage candle being dripped on your skin, or exploring the sensation of playful spanking,” says sex expert and Booty Parlor founder Dana Myers.
If you really want to take your new venture into BDSM seriously, come up with safe words for your sexy session. Safe words should be used as a way to say let’s pause, or stop. This will allow you to feel safe and have some control during this new experience. “Just as Anastasia and Christian discussed her Hard and Soft Limits, you want communicate with your partner before you bring any BDSM into the bedroom. Discuss who’s going to play the dominant and submissive roles, and be clear about what you’re willing to try and what’s simply too far outside of your comfort zone. Having this talk will strengthen your communication, build intimacy, and create a strong sense of trust so that you can let go of your inhibitions and explore some kinkier sex play safely and comfortably in your relationship,” says Myers.
Here’s what else you need to know.
1. Avoid shiny object syndrome.
That is to say, go slow and take your time, says erotic coach and sex educator Dawn Serra. BDSM is a wide network of countless activities. “From spanking and bondage to Dominance, needle play, and beyond, it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole when you first begin exploring this new world. At first it can feel like you’re a 5-year-old let loose in a candy store. Many people who are brand new to BDSM immediately want to try all the things and end up over-indulging,” says Serra. Take it slow, go in knowing there will be endless temptations, and have fun in a smart way. 2. Consent, consent, and did we mention consent? If you don’t know the basics of consent, you MUST start there, says Serra. “All BDSM is based on this very important concept. Skipping this means you risk doing significant harm to others and to themselves. Oh Joy Sex Toy has a great infographic on consent,” says Serra. Just remember, consent must be enthusiastic, on-going, informed, and voluntary. Which is to say it’s a fully engaged, un-coerced, un-manipulated yes.
2. Have fun.
You are probably going to feel silly or awkward the first few times you try to tie a fancy knot or command someone to their knees. “You’re going to make mistakes. BDSM is all about having fun and exploring new parts of desire and fantasies,” says Serra. Keep it all in the spirit of adventure. Also remember that many BDSM activities are dangerous, so find a trusted educator (this is not necessarily the most popular, vocal, or charismatic person in your local BDSM community, either) and enlist their help, suggests Serra.
3. Determine your role
Remember that if you’re doing power play (Dominance and submission or Master and slave or Sadist and masochist), both of you have equal power when you negotiate the activity ahead of time, says Serra. “Everyone has an equal say as you decide on the framework for how things will unfold, especially in the beginning. As you get better at negotiating a scene, you’ll learn how to make it endlessly sexy and even an important part of your foreplay,” Serra says.
4. Safe words are critical
Some people like simple colors like red (stop immediately, no questions asked), yellow (I’m uncomfortable or reaching my limit or need to slow down), and green (keep going!). Other people like plain language — stop, I’m OK, etc. Just remember that any kind of “I’m unsure” or “I don’t know” in a scene is equivalent to a stop. Some people come up with really usual words for use in their scene, but just remember — if you are in a highly intense scene where it’s difficult to think or form words, simple is usually best, says Serra.
5. Know your boundaries
Just because you are doing BDSM in the bedroom doesn’t mean you need to give up control outside of the bedroom, says Cassie Fuller from Touch Of Flavor. “Some people are not interested in anything more than using BDSM as a way to spice up sex and that’s fine. In fact, most people don’t have a Master/slave style relationship and just like to have a little kinky sex. You and your partner should understand what the other is looking for and respect each other’s boundaries,” says Fuller.
6. Always be honest
Honesty is the most important aspect to BDSM. ”Your partner(s) need to know basic information about you such as past experiences, health concerns, emotional triggers, and turn-offs. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader and to instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. If the person that you are thinking about engaging in BDSM activities with doesn’t ask you these things, make sure you speak up and tell them,” says Fuller.
We all have our sexual fantasies. Some of us get more creative with our fantasies then others- whips & chains, masks, role playing, fucking a random girl on the subway, in the park, in a cab, in the movie theater… the list goes on and on.
There is, however, one fantasy that all men, of all shapes and sizes, share. Every man wants to have a threesome- at least one time in his life before he kicks the bucket.
Why a threesome? Why not a foursome, fivesome or group orgy? Simple; you have to start somewhere and a threesome seems to be chronologically, logically the first step. But there is something special about a man banging two women simultaneously that seems to be lost when you add another lady to the mix. Maybe it’s because we realize that there are only so many ways we can multitask.
Maybe it’s because we really don’t know where to sit the third one. Or, what most likely is the case, we realize that the amount of Viagra and Red Bull needed to satisfy three women or more during one session will almost certainly give us a heart attack.
But why is it that men, all men, fantasize about dipping their spoon into two desserts during one meal? Because it’s fucking awesome. And because men are dominant figures who feel empowered when they dominate a woman in the sack- give us two women to dominate and we become gods. Men aren’t the selfish creatures that women make us out to be- at least not in the sense they believe we are.
Yes, in the end we want to make sure that we enjoy ourselves and get our big climactic finale. Who doesn’t? For all that, we realize that getting to
that finale, so that we can take our well-deserved bow, is a whole lot easier if our partner, or in this case partners, are enjoying the show- applauding and showing their gratification throughout the performance.
The woman is the man’s audience. We show her our moves- she smiles, bites her lip, maybe even lets out a whimper of satisfaction. She lets us know that she is enjoying herself and knowing that she is enjoying herself lets us enjoy ourselves that much more.
The one thing that brings a man more satisfaction than anything else is knowing that the girl he is fucking is loving every thrust of it. Now, give us two girls that we can satisfy, two girls who’s heaves, moans and screams fill the room, we suddenly find ourselves surrounded by the most harmonious ego boost known to man. Zeus can keep his lightning bolt- we’ve just worked wonders with our own.
19 Threesome Tips From Women Who Have Been There, Because Communication Is Key In All Kinds Of Sex
So you’ve mastered two-way sex and are ready to up your game by including another partner. Maybe you’re coupled and looking to spice things up or maybe you’re that fabled “unicorn,” the group sex term for the third (usually a woman, but not always) who’s interested in exploring a new way of having sex. There could be a million reasons why you’re ready to have a threesome but the important thing is that you’re into it and ready to jump in feet first! Let’s go!
But wait! Wait, wait, wait! Adding a third person to your sexual encounters is about way more than one more body to have fun with. The added emotions, concerns, and potential problems are increased by much more than a factor of one when you decide to add one more. Two people dealing with each other is hard enough but when there’s a third, things get crazy complicated, fast.
If you want your threesome to be awesome and not an awkward tear fest (and trust me, there are some serious threesome horror stories out there), take the sage advice of these women who have all had threesomes themselves. Make that threesome as hot as possible and school yourself beforehand!
- Be friends with lots of hot, open people and eventually things will happen. Unfortunately too many people (particularly women, I find) still believe in the myth of spontaneity. With the devil’s three way (MMF) it’s fine, dudes don’t mind a little planning.
- Never enter a threesome if you aren’t attracted to BOTH parties. Inversely, if you are a solo joining a couple, be sure it’s clear that all parties are interested/invested.
- All three people should be attracted and/or friendly to/with one another. You need everyone to want to be there and not have a panic about dicks touching or someone getting more attention. Also communicate, communicate, communicate before, during, and after.
- Don’t fall in love!
- Planned or unplanned, it’s important the couple has talked about this beforehand and if one of them doesn’t feel it, than its a no-go. Couples in three ways need to have a lot of trust and stability. That is at least my impression but then, I’m a tiny bit of a cuck-queen. I don’t mind if I get less attention during the ménage a trios.
- Helps if all parties involved have clear communication beforehand and a strong heart connection…. Open hearts can clear the way for amazing sensual adventures.
- I love being in the middle of a couple. I have the “naked on the bed talk” before play starts. I talk about everyone’s boundaries before play. I also remind everyone that we are all human with feelings. Feelings that can mysteriously pop up when least expected. I reinforce that if at anytime it’s not fun or uncomfortable, we stop. I even have this talk with couples I have played with before. Clear consent and respecting boundaries is very important.
- I am like “The Threesome Whisperer.” My best tips are to go in with a GGG attitude, few expectations, and a good sense of humor.
- Guys- if you want a MFF, be willing to have a MMF.
- If there are multiple dudes, expect at least one to not be able to keep it up.
- Don’t be drunk. Don’t be in high school. It’s tricky at the best of time and requires a level of maturity that isn’t really present at that time. Communication is key.
- I have had seven FMF threesomes. The best ones have not been with an existing M/F couple. They’ve been with girlfriends with a random man.
- I have had 10+ threesomes and have also dabbled in polyamory (FMF), Make sure you pay both people involved enough attention (50/50). Also – if you’re touching the guy, touch the other girl involved. Don’t make anyone feel left out unless someone asks to watch.
- Use one hand for each person. If there are two holes involved then use two female condoms. Then you don’t have to keep switching up your condoms and you can just go back and forth.
- Consider negotiating several encounters so that within each version there is a “star” to be the central focus. It can really take the pressure off trying to keep everyone going at the same time all the time (plus being the spoiled focal point is really fun!).
- I agree about the fairness aspect. Especially, if you are in an established relationship, do not give into the temptation to lavish attention on the new partner and ignore the standing partner. This is the huge mistake I have seen too often. If you use your skills and familiarity with your current partner, it can be impressive to the new partner, break the ice in a whole lot of ways (like upping the orgasm count), and increasing your own confidence. Worst case when you glom onto the new partner and ignore the existing partner is both of them knowing you are a dick. Also, communicate about what each of you like and might want — this is not the best time to wing it or have a lot of assumptions. And last, keep it light — makes it so much easier when things are all in good fun!
- I had a threesome with two guys (no sex – just other things) and then a girl and a guy I was involved with. The second really bothered me. Jealousy is not something I am used to. I think if you’re with someone, set the rules first. If you don’t want your bf to penetrate another girl in front of you, but you’re ok with oral and all that, then say so before push comes to shove! With the two guys, it was nice to try it out because there was no sex involved….I recommend working your way up to sex gradually and learn your limits.
- I’ve had maybe 20 threesomes at this point? Some repeats so maybe more. I like group play. Most of the time it’s been with my current partner, but twice with men I was dating and other women, a few times with other couples, and a few times with two people were not romantically involved. Everyone says communication is key and yep, that’s pretty important. If your partner is a party, they get the convo first. Ask questions and listen: are you interested in this third? Do you want to be the star? Would you prefer to watch a lot from the sidelines? Which acts are you looking forward to? What do you want to do with them tonight? Sex? Just cuddling? Not sure? Never go into an encounter expecting sex as a given, expect just a pleasant night of chit chat which may end in a great surprise, but I find folks who push too fast too soon, especially men in an M/F couple when I’ve been the unicorn, to be a turn off. On the other side of that: we’ve had many unicorns be pleasantly surprised that we were interested in spending time with them and getting to know them even when they were too tired or under the weather for getting down.Ask the third: Have you done this before? What do you like about it? Do you have questions about us? Is there anything you particularly like or dislike? What is off limits?Affirm that anyone can stop the action at any point and you can rub each others’ backs and check in. For couples, try to spend equal time making both the newcomer and your partner feel sexy and special.And for goodness’ sake, don’t just radiate out “please leave now” vibes at the third after the sex is over. Offer hospitality: food, water, a place to crash, hugs. Someone just shared themselves in a very intimate way, the very least you can do is treat them with kindness and consideration. I’ve found that showering everyone with smiles and compliments encourages the participants to feel safe and cut loose!
- Only do it if you really want to, not to make someone else happy. Make sure they guy(s) aren’t too drunk so that its not a sloppy let-down.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET INTO SWINGING
So, you finally realized everything you knew about being a swinger was a complete lie. You’re welcome. And maybe after reading that story, you and your partner were like: “Well, since it’s not all old people with robes, watching you with somebody else might be kind of exciting…”Or maybe not. But either way, if you’re even remotely considering getting into it — with your spouse, a significant other, or just that really cool friend with benefits you met on Tinder — there are a few things you should know before you get started. We asked a group of swingers what those “things” are, and this is what they told us.
Make sure you’re both on the same page
You know how it’s kinda awkward when you both go to a cocktail party and YOU were planning on just “making an appearance,” but your significant other was planning to make a whole night out of it? Multiply that by, like, infinity plus one. Because fights about leaving a party early are one thing, fights about getting oral sex from a stranger when you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to are quite another.
Set the rules, but know they can change
Once you’ve made sure you’re going for the same reason, you need to make rules. Like scary-specific rules that include phrases you haven’t used since the eighth grade — like “kissing is okay, but handjobs aren’t.” And while the stakes are a lot higher now than they were during “7 Minutes in Heaven,” the rules here can also be changed depending on how comfortable you get.
Try a club or high-end party first
If you’re going to meet another couple for some maybe-possibly-we’re-not-really-sure-yet group sex, do you think it’s wiser to meet them in a large social setting complete with paid security, other people, and plenty of condoms? Or via an Internet chat room? If you’ve been in a relationship so long you forgot, the answer is never “in an Internet chat room.”
You need to be social
Many people go to swingers clubs and complain — much as they probably did in high school — that everybody there is “too cliquish.” But there are no Regina Georges in the swingers world, and nobody is going to sneer at you and say, “You can’t swing with us.” Yes, swingers gravitate towards their friends — like everybody else — but go up and say hello, and you’ll be surprised how fast people will welcome you.
Get there early
Showing up to a party sober when everyone else has been drinking is uncomfortable. Showing up to said party after everyone’s started having sex with each other? Mortifying. Show up early, chat with the bartenders or hosts, and get a feel for what the place is like. Many clubs will actually give you a tour if you ask, at which point you can talk with your partner about a plan of action.
Learn the lingo
When you hear the words “hard swap,” that’s not the swinging equivalent of “tic tac no trade backs.” It’s the term for couples who are down for full-on sex with another couple. Nor is a unicorn a mythical white horse; it’s a female who attends swingers events alone. Other useful terms include “soft swap” (couples who’ll play with other couples but won’t “go all the way”) and “the lifestyle,” which is a term swingers use to describe their, well, lifestyle.
Don’t overdo the alcohol
You know what’s a miserable feeling? Spending all week fantasizing about a threesome, getting to the point where it’ll actually happen, and then realizing you drank too much to do anything about it. Sure, you might need a drink or two to get used to the idea of swinging, but past that not only do you risk whiskey dick, you risk BEING a dick. And, much like in real life, nobody wants to have sex with an inebriated mess.
Set realistic expectations
Even if you and your partner agree to be down for “full swap,” don’t go into a swingers club with the unrealistic expectations of a pledge at his first frat party. Nobody’s guaranteeing an orgy, and sometimes you may go and not find any couples you like. Also, the action may not start until much later in the evening, so don’t get bored and leave because nobody’s getting it on by midnight.
Let the woman lead the way
Guys, if you have a woman who is even CONSIDERING participating in an activity that allows you to have sex with other women, you’ve already won. Don’t push the issue. Not only should you not pressure your lady into doing anything she doesn’t want to do, you should pretty much let her decide what YOU get to do as well. Also, let her make any and all introductions. In the swinging world, the women are the ones who give the green light, so be patient and allow her to call the shots.
Watch first, then decide
You can do all the Internet research you want, but you’re not going to really understand what it’s like to be in a swinging environment until you’ve been there. Your first time, it’s typically a good idea to just go and see how things unfold. Then, if it’s something you’re into, figure out how you fit in and go back. Make all your rules, and see where it goes from there.
You need to debrief
Kinda like those quarterly conference calls at the office where your entire team looks at what it’s accomplished, what worked, and what didn’t, do the same with your partner after EVERY time you swing; the conversation will allow you to discuss the experience and figure out if rules need to be changed or added, or if there are different things you’d both like to try next time.
Like everything in a relationship, swinging won’t work if you don’t communicate. And talking about what you did after the fact is the most important part in making the next experience just as mind blowing.