Bondage is something everyone should experience.
Too often, things like bondage or use of sex toys or whatever are all obscured by a perception that they’re made for people who REALLY are into sex as a lifestyle. Not so.
But even if it were so, what’s so bad about enjoying sex as a larger part of your existence? Is it really so bad? There’s no admission cost, you don’t have to find parking, you don’t need to plan ahead. Sex as entertainment isn’t the worst fucking thing you could be doing with your time, now, is it? Beats the shit out of watching another Will & Grace rerun.
People get bored with sex. “The Missionary? Again?” With good reason. Sex can get repetitive if it’s the same position, same approach, every time. You wouldn’t eat a hamburger every day, now, would you? (Unless you’re that boring fuck in the States who’s eaten 20,000+ Big Macs. Jesus Christ – don’t get me started. But lemme know when he finally visits an oncologist.)
And this is why there are sex toys. This is why people try bondage, or public sex, or whatever. Now, you don’t have to get all gussied up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction in order to enjoy bondage. So, what do you need? Well, let’s start first with what you DON’T need.
- You don’t need to own a copy of The Ashley Book of Knots.
- You don’t need to be nurturing a passion for the Japanese art of Shibari.
- You don’t need to own a closet full of leather or gear.
- You don’t need to have any special equipment at all.
- You don’t need to own rope.
No rope? Gasp! Really?! Why, yes, Virginia, there is bondage without proper rope. How about neckties? Scarves? Nylons? Even that belt from your housecoat will do. It needs to be able to tie in a standard knot. That’s all you need.
So, here’s the shortlist of your requirements.
- You need something that can restrain your lover.
- You need creativity.
- You need trust.
- You need inventiveness.
- You need a sense of adventure.
- You need to want to enjoy yourself.
And five out of six things on that list ain’t gonna be bought at Paul’s House of Porn, all right?
Here’s the deal. Bondage is about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you up and do what they like to you, or vice versa. It’s imperative you talk about what isn’t going to happen. Don’t like pain? Agree to not go there. It’s pretty simple. You can get all fancy and lifestyle-ish and pick a “stop” word (a word that, whenever you use it during anything experimental in sex, signals that’s going too far, and stopping has to happen) but I find the premise pretty silly for anything less than full-on BDSM experimentation involving serious pain.
Me, I’m crazy, I favour the word “stop.” I mean, fuck, like it’s that complicated? “Hello, stop that, please.” When your lover says to stop, I don’t care what you’re doing, STOP, whether it’s in standard sex, or when your lover’s slung from the roof in stirrups. The more often you stop what they don’t like, whenever they ask you to, the more they’ll trust you in the future. Makes sense, huh?
Not respecting your partner’s boundaries in bondage means you’re breaking the number one rule. The belief in bondage/BDSM is that the person who’s all tied up is the one with all the power. Why? Because if they say stop, you absolutely must. According to anyone who’s played in the lifestyle, ignoring the submissive’s wishes is grounds for an ass-kicking.
Now, if you’re all gung-ho to tie someone up, but don’t want to be tied up yourself, I don’t think you deserve to do the tying, and I don’t care about this “But I’m a top!” bullshit. It is an act of trust. If you expect your lover to trust you, but you won’t trust them, then you might as well get a hammer, ‘cos that’s the first nail in your relationship’s coffin.
When it comes to bondage, I prefer doing the tying up, but I’d never deny my lover the experience of returning the favour, because that’s what good relationships involve.
Once you’ve had the talk and you’ve decided who’s being tied up first, it’s time to play. Personally, I prefer making an agreement to explore bondage in advance, because I think you need to be organized beforehand. There are, indeed, things you need in order to play with bondage Steff’s way.
My shopping list tends to include:
- Chocolate syrup
- Caramel syrup
- Massage oil
And whatever else gets you through the night, baby. No, you’re not making a fruit salad. You’re bringing food into the equation because a) they’re at your mercy and b) if you’re doing it right, they’ll be blindfolded for a while. The fruit is practical and sensual at the same time. When the bondage play begins, and they’re blindfolded, feeding them a mystery fruit will have to force them to turn their senses on. It’s a pleasure trigger. They’ll need to figure out what they’re eating, thus making them sensually more alert for when you begin playing. I’ll talk more about the food in the next posting.
First off, let’s talk setting. Do you have a headboard you can bind your lover to? No? Then visit your local hardware store. Get standard-issue drawer pulls and screw them in strategic locations. You could even put them on the side of the bed and the bottom, if you want a variety of positions in the night. This scenario runs you about $10 to do four mounts, depending on the price you’re paying for the drawer pulls. It’s practical, cheap, and you can move them around if you’ve chosen bad spots. These pulls pictured here are exactly the ones I’ve used on my bed. Two for $3, and they have plenty of room for getting rope underneath, and allow for a little wiggle room for my submissive (aka Guy). The alternative is bondage bedwear, but it’s such a hassle and it’s expensive. If you’re settling in for a long night of play, it could be useful, but it also might intimidate the shit out of the submissive.
Ah, you’re not ready yet, grasshopper. Now you need toys. If you want to shell out the big bucks on sex toys when you don’t already have them, feel free, but your house is filled with a million things that can trigger some really, really happy feelings in your lover.
Get creative. Go rummaging through your drawers. Make a stop in the kitchen. Find things you know will offer a variety of interesting sensations. Whether you’re lightly dragging the tines of a fresh-from-the-freezer ice-cold fork up in the inside of a lover’s leg, or teasing their privates with the bristles of a silicone pastry brush, you’ll be guaranteed some shivers.
Let me revisit the silicone pastry brush. Run, do not walk, to your local kitchen supply aisle and buy yourself an extra silicon pastry brush for the bedroom. Fuck feathers – the pastry brush is one of the most erotic feelings I’ve found. I sent shivers up my guy with it the other week. Trust me. Go get one, kids.
Buy a curtain tassel at the fabric store and tease your way around their body. Even a piece of paper being dragged up a naked body is amazing. Ice cubes rock, so make them in advance. Even one of those skin-scrubbing gloves for the shower can be pretty wild. It’s coarse, so it’s a change of pace from the soft and smooth things. Sandpaper. Anything works, provided you begin with light pressure and see what the reaction is.
If you don’t trust your ability to judge how something might feel, then do your rummaging half-naked and any time you find something that piques your curiosity, then simply close your eyes and try it on your inner thigh. If it works, great. If not, put it back.
If you plan on getting really sloppy with the syrup, and expect to have to clean your lover up a bit over course of time, you can grab a slow cooker or a rice cooker with a “keep warm” mode on it, put some water and some wash clothes in it, and keep it bedside for a clean, warm cloth to wipe them up with. Or you can save the filth and shower together later. Whatever, but there are options.
Lastly, what you need is a carrying tray. It does no good to have a lover about to be blindfolded if they can see what you’re going to use on them. They should be bound and blindfolded before you gather all your goods to bring bedside.
And that’s where we’ll stop for today. By the weekend I hope to post on how the actual act of bondage itself should unfold in its most basic terms, but you clearly have a couple ideas, I’m sure, of where this is headed. Any questions so far? Any tips on household products that have brought you bondage glee in the past?
Want more? Huh? Do ya, punk?
Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic Guidelines
Bondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, it’s for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, it’s just another fun game to play.
Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust – having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it – is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time ‘round. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.
In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as I’m able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.
As much as we’d like to think we’re all grown-up and it’s easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not we’re getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.
During bondage my style, it’s a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if it’s the last thing I do – that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison d’etre.
This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but that’s taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your lover’s body as a canvas or even as a test subject. “I wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.” If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn’t work, just go back to something you know you will. It’s not the end of the world. Try, try again.
So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?
- I know there’s a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can’t give a shit, too. I’m no sailor. I can’t do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.
- Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissive’s lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to what’s going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so he’s not as aware of what the next move is.
- Lighting doesn’t really matter, if they can’t see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better you’ll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.
- When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put ‘em in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when you’re starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so he’s not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.
- Misleading them is fun. I’ll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.
- If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I
- have more ability to move around.
- Crawling over them on the bed’s pretty much a suspense killer. What’s the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.
- When you’re making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesn’t work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if you’re working in a straight line, the body knows what’s coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.
- Multi-tasking is hot. If you’re standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they can’t see what’s coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be t
ricky, when you’re the doer, but as the receiver, it’s just an incredible mix of feelings.
- Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as you’re able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm — by oral? By fucking them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You’re writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I’m in control, I’m deciding.
- Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how they’re enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know you’re having fun. Tell them it’s getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then you’ll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Don’t talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.
- Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area they’ll be self-conscious about – and when you’re tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isn’t a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.
This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. It’s an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.
I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginner’s point of view, but really, it’s not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that it’s all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of what’s bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm.
19 Threesome Tips From Women Who Have Been There, Because Communication Is Key In All Kinds Of Sex
So you’ve mastered two-way sex and are ready to up your game by including another partner. Maybe you’re coupled and looking to spice things up or maybe you’re that fabled “unicorn,” the group sex term for the third (usually a woman, but not always) who’s interested in exploring a new way of having sex. There could be a million reasons why you’re ready to have a threesome but the important thing is that you’re into it and ready to jump in feet first! Let’s go!
But wait! Wait, wait, wait! Adding a third person to your sexual encounters is about way more than one more body to have fun with. The added emotions, concerns, and potential problems are increased by much more than a factor of one when you decide to add one more. Two people dealing with each other is hard enough but when there’s a third, things get crazy complicated, fast.
If you want your threesome to be awesome and not an awkward tear fest (and trust me, there are some serious threesome horror stories out there), take the sage advice of these women who have all had threesomes themselves. Make that threesome as hot as possible and school yourself beforehand!
- Be friends with lots of hot, open people and eventually things will happen. Unfortunately too many people (particularly women, I find) still believe in the myth of spontaneity. With the devil’s three way (MMF) it’s fine, dudes don’t mind a little planning.
- Never enter a threesome if you aren’t attracted to BOTH parties. Inversely, if you are a solo joining a couple, be sure it’s clear that all parties are interested/invested.
- All three people should be attracted and/or friendly to/with one another. You need everyone to want to be there and not have a panic about dicks touching or someone getting more attention. Also communicate, communicate, communicate before, during, and after.
- Don’t fall in love!
- Planned or unplanned, it’s important the couple has talked about this beforehand and if one of them doesn’t feel it, than its a no-go. Couples in three ways need to have a lot of trust and stability. That is at least my impression but then, I’m a tiny bit of a cuck-queen. I don’t mind if I get less attention during the ménage a trios.
- Helps if all parties involved have clear communication beforehand and a strong heart connection…. Open hearts can clear the way for amazing sensual adventures.
- I love being in the middle of a couple. I have the “naked on the bed talk” before play starts. I talk about everyone’s boundaries before play. I also remind everyone that we are all human with feelings. Feelings that can mysteriously pop up when least expected. I reinforce that if at anytime it’s not fun or uncomfortable, we stop. I even have this talk with couples I have played with before. Clear consent and respecting boundaries is very important.
- I am like “The Threesome Whisperer.” My best tips are to go in with a GGG attitude, few expectations, and a good sense of humor.
- Guys- if you want a MFF, be willing to have a MMF.
- If there are multiple dudes, expect at least one to not be able to keep it up.
- Don’t be drunk. Don’t be in high school. It’s tricky at the best of time and requires a level of maturity that isn’t really present at that time. Communication is key.
- I have had seven FMF threesomes. The best ones have not been with an existing M/F couple. They’ve been with girlfriends with a random man.
- I have had 10+ threesomes and have also dabbled in polyamory (FMF), Make sure you pay both people involved enough attention (50/50). Also – if you’re touching the guy, touch the other girl involved. Don’t make anyone feel left out unless someone asks to watch.
- Use one hand for each person. If there are two holes involved then use two female condoms. Then you don’t have to keep switching up your condoms and you can just go back and forth.
- Consider negotiating several encounters so that within each version there is a “star” to be the central focus. It can really take the pressure off trying to keep everyone going at the same time all the time (plus being the spoiled focal point is really fun!).
- I agree about the fairness aspect. Especially, if you are in an established relationship, do not give into the temptation to lavish attention on the new partner and ignore the standing partner. This is the huge mistake I have seen too often. If you use your skills and familiarity with your current partner, it can be impressive to the new partner, break the ice in a whole lot of ways (like upping the orgasm count), and increasing your own confidence. Worst case when you glom onto the new partner and ignore the existing partner is both of them knowing you are a dick. Also, communicate about what each of you like and might want — this is not the best time to wing it or have a lot of assumptions. And last, keep it light — makes it so much easier when things are all in good fun!
- I had a threesome with two guys (no sex – just other things) and then a girl and a guy I was involved with. The second really bothered me. Jealousy is not something I am used to. I think if you’re with someone, set the rules first. If you don’t want your bf to penetrate another girl in front of you, but you’re ok with oral and all that, then say so before push comes to shove! With the two guys, it was nice to try it out because there was no sex involved….I recommend working your way up to sex gradually and learn your limits.
- I’ve had maybe 20 threesomes at this point? Some repeats so maybe more. I like group play. Most of the time it’s been with my current partner, but twice with men I was dating and other women, a few times with other couples, and a few times with two people were not romantically involved. Everyone says communication is key and yep, that’s pretty important. If your partner is a party, they get the convo first. Ask questions and listen: are you interested in this third? Do you want to be the star? Would you prefer to watch a lot from the sidelines? Which acts are you looking forward to? What do you want to do with them tonight? Sex? Just cuddling? Not sure? Never go into an encounter expecting sex as a given, expect just a pleasant night of chit chat which may end in a great surprise, but I find folks who push too fast too soon, especially men in an M/F couple when I’ve been the unicorn, to be a turn off. On the other side of that: we’ve had many unicorns be pleasantly surprised that we were interested in spending time with them and getting to know them even when they were too tired or under the weather for getting down.Ask the third: Have you done this before? What do you like about it? Do you have questions about us? Is there anything you particularly like or dislike? What is off limits?Affirm that anyone can stop the action at any point and you can rub each others’ backs and check in. For couples, try to spend equal time making both the newcomer and your partner feel sexy and special.And for goodness’ sake, don’t just radiate out “please leave now” vibes at the third after the sex is over. Offer hospitality: food, water, a place to crash, hugs. Someone just shared themselves in a very intimate way, the very least you can do is treat them with kindness and consideration. I’ve found that showering everyone with smiles and compliments encourages the participants to feel safe and cut loose!
- Only do it if you really want to, not to make someone else happy. Make sure they guy(s) aren’t too drunk so that its not a sloppy let-down.