Bondage is something everyone should experience.
Too often, things like bondage or use of sex toys or whatever are all obscured by a perception that they’re made for people who REALLY are into sex as a lifestyle. Not so.
But even if it were so, what’s so bad about enjoying sex as a larger part of your existence? Is it really so bad? There’s no admission cost, you don’t have to find parking, you don’t need to plan ahead. Sex as entertainment isn’t the worst fucking thing you could be doing with your time, now, is it? Beats the shit out of watching another Will & Grace rerun.
People get bored with sex. “The Missionary? Again?” With good reason. Sex can get repetitive if it’s the same position, same approach, every time. You wouldn’t eat a hamburger every day, now, would you? (Unless you’re that boring fuck in the States who’s eaten 20,000+ Big Macs. Jesus Christ – don’t get me started. But lemme know when he finally visits an oncologist.)
And this is why there are sex toys. This is why people try bondage, or public sex, or whatever. Now, you don’t have to get all gussied up like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction in order to enjoy bondage. So, what do you need? Well, let’s start first with what you DON’T need.
- You don’t need to own a copy of The Ashley Book of Knots.
- You don’t need to be nurturing a passion for the Japanese art of Shibari.
- You don’t need to own a closet full of leather or gear.
- You don’t need to have any special equipment at all.
- You don’t need to own rope.
No rope? Gasp! Really?! Why, yes, Virginia, there is bondage without proper rope. How about neckties? Scarves? Nylons? Even that belt from your housecoat will do. It needs to be able to tie in a standard knot. That’s all you need.
So, here’s the shortlist of your requirements.
- You need something that can restrain your lover.
- You need creativity.
- You need trust.
- You need inventiveness.
- You need a sense of adventure.
- You need to want to enjoy yourself.
And five out of six things on that list ain’t gonna be bought at Paul’s House of Porn, all right?
Here’s the deal. Bondage is about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you up and do what they like to you, or vice versa. It’s imperative you talk about what isn’t going to happen. Don’t like pain? Agree to not go there. It’s pretty simple. You can get all fancy and lifestyle-ish and pick a “stop” word (a word that, whenever you use it during anything experimental in sex, signals that’s going too far, and stopping has to happen) but I find the premise pretty silly for anything less than full-on BDSM experimentation involving serious pain.
Me, I’m crazy, I favour the word “stop.” I mean, fuck, like it’s that complicated? “Hello, stop that, please.” When your lover says to stop, I don’t care what you’re doing, STOP, whether it’s in standard sex, or when your lover’s slung from the roof in stirrups. The more often you stop what they don’t like, whenever they ask you to, the more they’ll trust you in the future. Makes sense, huh?
Not respecting your partner’s boundaries in bondage means you’re breaking the number one rule. The belief in bondage/BDSM is that the person who’s all tied up is the one with all the power. Why? Because if they say stop, you absolutely must. According to anyone who’s played in the lifestyle, ignoring the submissive’s wishes is grounds for an ass-kicking.
Now, if you’re all gung-ho to tie someone up, but don’t want to be tied up yourself, I don’t think you deserve to do the tying, and I don’t care about this “But I’m a top!” bullshit. It is an act of trust. If you expect your lover to trust you, but you won’t trust them, then you might as well get a hammer, ‘cos that’s the first nail in your relationship’s coffin.
When it comes to bondage, I prefer doing the tying up, but I’d never deny my lover the experience of returning the favour, because that’s what good relationships involve.
Once you’ve had the talk and you’ve decided who’s being tied up first, it’s time to play. Personally, I prefer making an agreement to explore bondage in advance, because I think you need to be organized beforehand. There are, indeed, things you need in order to play with bondage Steff’s way.
My shopping list tends to include:
- Chocolate syrup
- Caramel syrup
- Massage oil
And whatever else gets you through the night, baby. No, you’re not making a fruit salad. You’re bringing food into the equation because a) they’re at your mercy and b) if you’re doing it right, they’ll be blindfolded for a while. The fruit is practical and sensual at the same time. When the bondage play begins, and they’re blindfolded, feeding them a mystery fruit will have to force them to turn their senses on. It’s a pleasure trigger. They’ll need to figure out what they’re eating, thus making them sensually more alert for when you begin playing. I’ll talk more about the food in the next posting.
First off, let’s talk setting. Do you have a headboard you can bind your lover to? No? Then visit your local hardware store. Get standard-issue drawer pulls and screw them in strategic locations. You could even put them on the side of the bed and the bottom, if you want a variety of positions in the night. This scenario runs you about $10 to do four mounts, depending on the price you’re paying for the drawer pulls. It’s practical, cheap, and you can move them around if you’ve chosen bad spots. These pulls pictured here are exactly the ones I’ve used on my bed. Two for $3, and they have plenty of room for getting rope underneath, and allow for a little wiggle room for my submissive (aka Guy). The alternative is bondage bedwear, but it’s such a hassle and it’s expensive. If you’re settling in for a long night of play, it could be useful, but it also might intimidate the shit out of the submissive.
Ah, you’re not ready yet, grasshopper. Now you need toys. If you want to shell out the big bucks on sex toys when you don’t already have them, feel free, but your house is filled with a million things that can trigger some really, really happy feelings in your lover.
Get creative. Go rummaging through your drawers. Make a stop in the kitchen. Find things you know will offer a variety of interesting sensations. Whether you’re lightly dragging the tines of a fresh-from-the-freezer ice-cold fork up in the inside of a lover’s leg, or teasing their privates with the bristles of a silicone pastry brush, you’ll be guaranteed some shivers.
Let me revisit the silicone pastry brush. Run, do not walk, to your local kitchen supply aisle and buy yourself an extra silicon pastry brush for the bedroom. Fuck feathers – the pastry brush is one of the most erotic feelings I’ve found. I sent shivers up my guy with it the other week. Trust me. Go get one, kids.
Buy a curtain tassel at the fabric store and tease your way around their body. Even a piece of paper being dragged up a naked body is amazing. Ice cubes rock, so make them in advance. Even one of those skin-scrubbing gloves for the shower can be pretty wild. It’s coarse, so it’s a change of pace from the soft and smooth things. Sandpaper. Anything works, provided you begin with light pressure and see what the reaction is.
If you don’t trust your ability to judge how something might feel, then do your rummaging half-naked and any time you find something that piques your curiosity, then simply close your eyes and try it on your inner thigh. If it works, great. If not, put it back.
If you plan on getting really sloppy with the syrup, and expect to have to clean your lover up a bit over course of time, you can grab a slow cooker or a rice cooker with a “keep warm” mode on it, put some water and some wash clothes in it, and keep it bedside for a clean, warm cloth to wipe them up with. Or you can save the filth and shower together later. Whatever, but there are options.
Lastly, what you need is a carrying tray. It does no good to have a lover about to be blindfolded if they can see what you’re going to use on them. They should be bound and blindfolded before you gather all your goods to bring bedside.
And that’s where we’ll stop for today. By the weekend I hope to post on how the actual act of bondage itself should unfold in its most basic terms, but you clearly have a couple ideas, I’m sure, of where this is headed. Any questions so far? Any tips on household products that have brought you bondage glee in the past?
Want more? Huh? Do ya, punk?
Bondage for Beginners: Part Two, Basic Guidelines
Bondage can become part of your life for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way for folks to deal with the anxiety of their lives; symbolically giving control to another, or taking control. Sometimes, it’s for less honourable reasons. Sometimes, it’s just another fun game to play.
Whatever the reasons, however pure or otherwise, trust – having it, taking it, sharing it, abusing it – is the core experience of bondage. I touched on this last time ‘round. Have the right intentions, and this can be an incredible relationship-building experience.
In my fun little world of bondage, the tease is never separated from satisfaction. For me, tying a lover up is not only my opportunity to tease and taunt him, but also a chance to take him to orgasm as slowly and deliberately as I’m able, and make no mistake about it, an orgasm will be had.
As much as we’d like to think we’re all grown-up and it’s easy to give and take orgasms, the reality is, most of us are a little too conscious about whether or not we’re getting not only our partners but ourselves a ticket to the promised land. We overthink it, and we often overplay it.
During bondage my style, it’s a little more honest and straightforward: You will come if it’s the last thing I do – that is my job, my mission, for the next hour or more, my raison d’etre.
This is one of those instances where people want me to lay out step-by-step instructions, but that’s taking it too far. Bondage is about you being creative, using your lover’s body as a canvas or even as a test subject. “I wonder what happens if I drag an ice cube up the inside of his leg.” If you can think it, try it, and see what happens. Any time it doesn’t work, just go back to something you know you will. It’s not the end of the world. Try, try again.
So let me, instead, give you a few guidelines, not rules, all right?
- I know there’s a contingent who finds the hows and whys of fancy knot-tying really erotic, but there are those of us who just can’t give a shit, too. I’m no sailor. I can’t do a grapevine knot or anything like that. I can tie my shoes, though, so bind a lover I can do. I make up for it in details.
- Music can be an added bonus, or a negative, depending on your POV. If the submissive’s lying there all bound and blindfolded, sound is one of their major clues as to what’s going on. I have hardwood floor in my bedroom and it creaks and groans. I tend to put some music on to cover the sound a little, so he’s not as aware of what the next move is.
- Lighting doesn’t really matter, if they can’t see, but the question is, how are you feeling? The sexier you feel, the better you’ll play. If candles make you feel more comfortable, then do that. Whatever makes you feel good, baby.
- When bringing food into the equation, make sure everything is chopped bite-size. Put ‘em in bowls. Do you need to have all your supplies when you’re starting? Not really, you can leave them bound and wander out to find additional things later, but it might be considered cruel. I prefer to be organized at the start, so he’s not abandoned for more than a moment or two throughout.
- Misleading them is fun. I’ll drag a finger up his chest, trace it over his lips, and when he thinks he can suck on it, pop a little cherry in his mouth or something else, like a tongue. Play, play, play.
- If you can, pull your bed out from the wall. I can, and I do. Having 360-degree access means I can do more to him, and that I
- have more ability to move around.
- Crawling over them on the bed’s pretty much a suspense killer. What’s the point, then? Get off the bed and walk around. Try to minimize how often you lean onto the bed, because, again, they can feel the weight shifting, thus negating the surprise advantage.
- When you’re making your way up their body, be it with kisses or with drizzled syrup, going in a straight line doesn’t work as effectively as zig-zagging will. Why not? Because nerves like surprises, and if you’re working in a straight line, the body knows what’s coming next. This is always, always about surprising the senses.
- Multi-tasking is hot. If you’re standing and you lean down to suck and bite a nipple, then use a hand to tease their inner thigh and the other hand to toy with an ear lobe or something. Remember, they can’t see what’s coming. Every touch, every action, they all get you a new reaction. It can be t
ricky, when you’re the doer, but as the receiver, it’s just an incredible mix of feelings.
- Always, always, always mix approaches. Bondage without oral should simply be considered wrong. Bondage with straight-through-to-orgasm oral should also be considered wrong, in my world. I think it should be intermittent, incessant teases. Oral, then kiss and suck and bite all over them, then return again to oral play. Interrupt it with more props and toys. Toy with them manually. Change gears as often as you’re able. When the frustrated groans get louder and more pained, start planning your route to orgasm — by oral? By fucking them? By manual stimulation? Using sex toys? You’re writing the playbook, you decide. If you like, ask what they want. I never bother, though. I’m in control, I’m deciding.
- Talk to them as you play. Tease them with little suggestive comments, or investigate how they’re enjoying things. Take requests, if you do such things. Most of all, be sure they know you’re having fun. Tell them it’s getting you hot, all this satisfactioning of them. Remember that the only senses they really have fully functioning are hearing, smell, and touch. Now and then you’ll indulge taste, too. Hearing, though, is a great way of keeping them focused on everything. Don’t talk incessantly; shut up and do your job sometimes.
- Devour your lover. Cover every inch of their body with your hands, mouth, and any other body part you can think of. Every place you touch and claim as yours is one less area they’ll be self-conscious about – and when you’re tied up in bondage, feeling self-conscious isn’t a big stretch. Try to negate it by doting and outwardly desiring them.
This is your chance to really take notice of what your lover does when you touch them in different ways, different places. It’s an opportunity to learn and develop new insight. The question is, will you use it as such? I always do.
I may think of more in regards to bondage, from a beginner’s point of view, but really, it’s not brain surgery. Just try to keep the suspense at a maximum, remember that it’s all about the submissive, and try to take them to the edge as often as you can before you finally give the gift of what’s bound to be a pretty incredible orgasm.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET INTO SWINGING
So, you finally realized everything you knew about being a swinger was a complete lie. You’re welcome. And maybe after reading that story, you and your partner were like: “Well, since it’s not all old people with robes, watching you with somebody else might be kind of exciting…”Or maybe not. But either way, if you’re even remotely considering getting into it — with your spouse, a significant other, or just that really cool friend with benefits you met on Tinder — there are a few things you should know before you get started. We asked a group of swingers what those “things” are, and this is what they told us.
Make sure you’re both on the same page
You know how it’s kinda awkward when you both go to a cocktail party and YOU were planning on just “making an appearance,” but your significant other was planning to make a whole night out of it? Multiply that by, like, infinity plus one. Because fights about leaving a party early are one thing, fights about getting oral sex from a stranger when you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to are quite another.
Set the rules, but know they can change
Once you’ve made sure you’re going for the same reason, you need to make rules. Like scary-specific rules that include phrases you haven’t used since the eighth grade — like “kissing is okay, but handjobs aren’t.” And while the stakes are a lot higher now than they were during “7 Minutes in Heaven,” the rules here can also be changed depending on how comfortable you get.
Try a club or high-end party first
If you’re going to meet another couple for some maybe-possibly-we’re-not-really-sure-yet group sex, do you think it’s wiser to meet them in a large social setting complete with paid security, other people, and plenty of condoms? Or via an Internet chat room? If you’ve been in a relationship so long you forgot, the answer is never “in an Internet chat room.”
You need to be social
Many people go to swingers clubs and complain — much as they probably did in high school — that everybody there is “too cliquish.” But there are no Regina Georges in the swingers world, and nobody is going to sneer at you and say, “You can’t swing with us.” Yes, swingers gravitate towards their friends — like everybody else — but go up and say hello, and you’ll be surprised how fast people will welcome you.
Get there early
Showing up to a party sober when everyone else has been drinking is uncomfortable. Showing up to said party after everyone’s started having sex with each other? Mortifying. Show up early, chat with the bartenders or hosts, and get a feel for what the place is like. Many clubs will actually give you a tour if you ask, at which point you can talk with your partner about a plan of action.
Learn the lingo
When you hear the words “hard swap,” that’s not the swinging equivalent of “tic tac no trade backs.” It’s the term for couples who are down for full-on sex with another couple. Nor is a unicorn a mythical white horse; it’s a female who attends swingers events alone. Other useful terms include “soft swap” (couples who’ll play with other couples but won’t “go all the way”) and “the lifestyle,” which is a term swingers use to describe their, well, lifestyle.
Don’t overdo the alcohol
You know what’s a miserable feeling? Spending all week fantasizing about a threesome, getting to the point where it’ll actually happen, and then realizing you drank too much to do anything about it. Sure, you might need a drink or two to get used to the idea of swinging, but past that not only do you risk whiskey dick, you risk BEING a dick. And, much like in real life, nobody wants to have sex with an inebriated mess.
Set realistic expectations
Even if you and your partner agree to be down for “full swap,” don’t go into a swingers club with the unrealistic expectations of a pledge at his first frat party. Nobody’s guaranteeing an orgy, and sometimes you may go and not find any couples you like. Also, the action may not start until much later in the evening, so don’t get bored and leave because nobody’s getting it on by midnight.
Let the woman lead the way
Guys, if you have a woman who is even CONSIDERING participating in an activity that allows you to have sex with other women, you’ve already won. Don’t push the issue. Not only should you not pressure your lady into doing anything she doesn’t want to do, you should pretty much let her decide what YOU get to do as well. Also, let her make any and all introductions. In the swinging world, the women are the ones who give the green light, so be patient and allow her to call the shots.
Watch first, then decide
You can do all the Internet research you want, but you’re not going to really understand what it’s like to be in a swinging environment until you’ve been there. Your first time, it’s typically a good idea to just go and see how things unfold. Then, if it’s something you’re into, figure out how you fit in and go back. Make all your rules, and see where it goes from there.
You need to debrief
Kinda like those quarterly conference calls at the office where your entire team looks at what it’s accomplished, what worked, and what didn’t, do the same with your partner after EVERY time you swing; the conversation will allow you to discuss the experience and figure out if rules need to be changed or added, or if there are different things you’d both like to try next time.
Like everything in a relationship, swinging won’t work if you don’t communicate. And talking about what you did after the fact is the most important part in making the next experience just as mind blowing.